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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:10 pm 
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"Ever looked at a source of light for too long? Try it now. You'll notice there's an annoying... yet curious looking blob of darkness in your vision. Look carefully, it changes shape, colour, size, it moves. It follows you, wherever you look, it's there. Even with your eyes closed, that thing is staring back at you, waiting for the right time. Confused yet? I'll slow down a little. The... thing is a being, an animate monster that follows anyone who threatens it. You can probably guess by now that to... I guess to insult it, you have to stare at a light source. No-one knows why that certain action offends/affects it, it puzzles everyone. Including me.

However, not everything is that confusing. The monster doesn't just follow you, it stalks you, examines you, watches you carefully. It remembers everything; where you've been, what you've eaten, how you walked. It then forms a plan, when you're alone in the darkness... Let's not go there yet. The only reason it leaves is when it no longer feels the need to... harm you. Which sometimes... takes longer than expected. It slowly fades, but... If you're even in a place where the light doesn't reach, it strikes. Even in the shade of the night.

It jumps at you, will transform into anything. Sharp, blunt, big, small. It drives itself into you, impales you. You don't have time to scream, no time to react. The only thing you can sense is... The sharp pain as your heart is violently ripped out from your chest."

Tell me what you think! :3 I try to keep it mysterious so... critique my style please. >w<

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:20 pm 
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maybe some more suspense or a case of it happening to give it a more tangible feel? Good base to build on tho :D


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 5:27 am 

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I like it :D Although none of it seems to connect. First it starts off as a dark spot you see, then it turns into a monster. If you could give some sort of transition between the two it's be great :3:

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:33 am 
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Shootingstar37654 wrote:
I like it :D Although none of it seems to connect. First it starts off as a dark spot you see, then it turns into a monster. If you could give some sort of transition between the two it's be great :3:


JackieBoy777 wrote:
maybe some more suspense or a case of it happening to give it a more tangible feel? Good base to build on tho :D


Thanks for the advice! :D It's not my best piece of work, XP But I can certainly edit it so it will be.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 12:49 pm 

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I feel like there are too many pauses in the writing. Pretty good otherwise though.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 9:02 pm 
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Seth.D wrote:
I feel like there are too many pauses in the writing. Pretty good otherwise though.


>w< I thought so too, but thankyou hun. :3 *kisses your forehead*

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